New Year's Eve

[plantfood]

Although he isn't prone to overindulging, Mathias is impressed with his own restraint when presented with so many drinks from home. It's been several hours now and he's on his third and last beer of the night, though he knows he could find any number of brands he's particularly fond of and suspects he could drink himself sick on all the things he misses from home. This third beer, however, is just enough and he's pleasantly buzzed, warm and flushed, feeling better than he has in some time.

The past few weeks haven't been hard. They've been good on the surface. He has friends -- good friends, people he's come to love -- and there's a beautiful woman who seems to like him. A woman he enjoys spending time with, someone Sam has taken to fairly well and Mathias knows that these are all good things and yet he can't stop and settle for even a moment.

He can't stop thinking about Veronica.

Things are good on the surface and he's always been good at making sure people only ever see the surface, but beneath that things aren't good. They aren't bad. But they aren't good and he finds himself feeling more and more guilty with every passing day.

The beer, though, has helped. For the moment, he's not thinking about much of anything except the music and the food and the beer. He's wearing a smile as he leans against the wall, his tie pulled loose and the top button of his shirt undone. The bottle is dangling absently from his fingers, though he hasn't forgotten that it's there, and when he sees Sookie, the smile only grows. He might feel guilty most days, but right now, it's just nice to see her.

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[plantfood]

Briefly, against his better judgment, Mathias reaches up with his free hand and catches Sookie's fingers near her mouth. He holds her hand for just a moment, not tightly, just a brush of his fingers against hers and then his hand drops again to hang by his side. "Please don't feel guilty," he says to her, because he knows she must, he can see it in the gestures she's making, in the expression she's wearing. He doesn't want her to feel guilty and he doesn't want her to cry.

"I understand," he says, though he still wonders if he should mention it at all. Bringing people into this who are no longer on the island seems unfair, as if he's using Veronica as a shield, but that isn't the case. (Or if it is, he's far from ready to acknowledge it.) "Perhaps better than you might think. I..." This is where things always become difficult, because he's better at listening than he is at speaking and it's times like this he wishes more people on the island spoke German. Communicating like this in English is harder still.

"I was not looking to meet anyone because I knew I wasn't ready to move on," he explains slowly. "But when we met, I thought... like you, I was excited for the first time in a very long time. I'm afraid... it would not have been fair in the long run. To either of us."

[justsookie]

The sudden grasp of a hand catches her breath, before Sookie finds herself relaxing again, exhaling softly through her lips. It's not quite the same as relief, although she feels the fluttering in her stomach change into something harder, an ache, nerves ironed and calmed. If nothing else, hearing that Mathias understands— she wonders if it's Vee who prompts the thought, thinks about the warnings Neil's made— relaxes her into a slight curve of her lips and a nod.

"I hope you aren't just saying that," her doubt speaks up again, a slight furrow in her brow still holding out in spite of everything else. But she nods quickly after, because knowing Mathias has to come with a degree of trust a well, forged just by glancing his way. "I guess it was just bad timing for the both of us, huh?" Cheeks still bright with embarrassment, Sookie rests her hand under her chin, gaze breaking away in thought.

"I'm so sorry for breaking this to you on New Year's Eve. I thought it'd be better not to wait for something like this."

[plantfood]

When she says that, Mathias glances around, almost as if he's forgotten the party. But the smoked beer is still in his other hand, dangling from between his fingers and there are people moving around them and even though there's still time before the count down, he can see people beginning to pair off, finding the person they'll want to kiss when midnight comes around. The night she tells him on doesn't matter. He expects the conversation would have gone the same no matter when they had it.

"It's fine," he assures her. It isn't fine, exactly, but he doesn't think the timing will make much of a difference. And he understands her desire to have something like this out in the open as soon as possible. It's easy to feel like you're lying to a person even when you're only waiting for the right moment.

"I mean, I understand," he continues. "It's sometimes better not to wait." And he's glad he's told her now, too, that hopefully it will prevent her from feeling too guilty. That isn't what he wants at all.

[justsookie]

She nods, trying her best to trust him. 'Fine' is, of course, a word that can be used in so many contexts, for any of a wide range of feelings, but whatever amount of disappointment or upset that he may feel about her right now, he seems to be calm. Accepting. And that, more than anything else, tells her that maybe this is the right choice after all, for as little experience as she's had in this respect, she remembers the way that Bill reacted whenever they were on the cusp of ending it. Not to mention the touch of desperation in Mitchell's voice, too, before they started rolling down in freefall. She isn't in love with Mathias, and he isn't in love with her.

They'll get past this. Probably intact, too.

"I just feel like I'd be lying if I waited, I guess. If nothing else, I just had to tell you that I'm having doubts, and. I don't know. You're way, way too good of a guy to just string along," she breathes, managing a slight smile.

[plantfood]

At that, he manages a smile, because he doesn't necessarily think of himself as a good guy. It isn't that he feels he's a bad guy either -- although sometimes the reminders do creep back in, as hard as he tries to fight them -- just that he's a man, like most others, capable of both good and bad. It's nice, though, to think that someone else, someone whose opinion he's come to care about think that he's a good person.

In part, he knows, it's because he hasn't told her about what happened in Mexico. He doesn't know if anyone will think he's a good person after they hear that story.

"I understand," he promises her, because he really does. It isn't easy and it doesn't make him feel good, but he does understand. "You love him." And that, in the end, is what's most important. Even with what little experience he's had with love, he knows that.

[justsookie]

It's those words of his that finally seem to calm the hammering of her heart. Words that she hasn't even wanted to acknowledge herself, emotions that would be so much easier to simply bury deep down, where they never see the light of day. Loving might be one of the most exhilarating actions a person's capable of, but it's also the one that stands the greatest chance of hurt as well. Life would simpler without it; Sookie has no doubt of that. But so long as someone sees it, someone who isn't her, that makes it easier. Somehow. Maybe, she thinks, it has everything to do with the fact that in front of her is a man who seems so capable of love, who no doubt reveres it in his way. And he knows.

It's lingering in her heart, and that isn't easy to scrub away.

"I do," she nods, pressing her lips firmly together. "I really, really do. He... he did some awful things in his past. Less to me, more to people he didn't really even know. I couldn't tell you why, but he told me that was the real him. I believed it long enough to think that maybe I didn't really love him, or that the man I loved was just a lie, but."

She shakes her head. "That's not true. He's the exact same man that I fell for, and he's back so sudden that's just strange. I don't know if anything will work out. But."

[plantfood]

"But you have to try," Mathias finishes for her. It may not be what she was going to say, but it's what he thinks. In the same situation or one very similar, he knows he would do the same. Were Veronica to come back to the island there's no guarantee that they would work again, but he would try. He'd have to try. To give up on something without giving it a fair shot is not something he's ever been able to do and he feels the same is true of Sookie.

If nothing else, it's true of this situation, this person.

"Do not misunderstand, I'm... disappointed," he says, because he doesn't want her to think that this meant nothing to him. That it's been so casual a connection that he has no problem with her ending it. Mathias isn't one for casual encounters, even the one on the island that could be dubbed as such was with a friend he's still very close to. "Disappointed, but I also get it."

[justsookie]

She nods, the huff of air which escapes her sounding almost like a laugh, hopeless as she nods. With all that Neil's explained to her, and given just how extraordinary Sookie knows that Veronica was, it's impossible not to believe that Mathias might be better able to understand her than most of her friends. There are so many she's afraid of facing now, after weeks of complaining about how easily certain people told lies, or how hard it was to pin down the truth in people who'd lived far longer than they were ever meant to. Though she's never deliberately done so, Sookie knows she's painted Mitchell in a negative light to many close to her heart. And that she meant every word of it at the time.

Were she in their shoes, she'd berate herself for the decision as well.

"Yeah," she nods nonetheless. In this case, it doesn't particularly matter how other people think, Sookie reminds herself, any more than their judgments mattered when she'd first decided to date Bill. This is a matter between herself and Mathias. Herself and Mitchell. "I've gotta try. And believe me, there's a part of me so disappointed too, that I don't get to see so much more of the amazing man I've gotten to know these past few months. But I'm... glad you understand. And I'm sorry, again. It's not you at all. Just me."

[plantfood]

On an impulse, for no other reason than selfish ones -- not to reassure her, really, he recognizes that much about himself -- Mathias leans forward. His hand comes up to briefly catch Sookie's chin, fingers resting on her smooth skin, and he presses a kiss to her cheek. It's brief, just barely a moment at all, but it does worlds to make him feel better, to calm the heavy beating of his heart. Touch has always been able to do that for him, to ground him in the moment, in the person he's connected with.

"Don't apologize anymore," he says gently, then drops his hand to his side again. Whatever he says to her, he's almost certain she'll continue to worry and he appreciates that, but he also knows he can't stop it. For now, whatever happens, they'll have to go their own ways and deal with what's ahead. More than that, he doesn't want her to apologize for doing what must be done.

He thinks he might try to find Neil. Or Danny. They'll know what he should do now. He smiles at Sookie and takes a step away. "It'll just take some time," he promises. "We'll speak again soon, I think." And when they do, he hopes, things will feel different. Better. Because he means what he's said. He doesn't want this to be the end of a friendship.

[justsookie]

Her words suddenly cut off with an interrupted breath when she sees that shadow spreading, and feels a brush of lips against her cheeks. That silences her as well as anything can, breath stolen from her and leaving only that same burning by her eyes, the one that comes out of that desperate, futile, and almost childish desire for everything to work out perfectly, for everyone to get their due, and for love to sustain in places where life drives cracks. Don't apologize, he says, and immediately there's another on her lips, though she bites it back, and only with people like them, she feels, can so much be built in so short of a time.

"Okay," she says, because there's nothing else to offer. No apologies allowed, and no promises feasible. Her gaze meets his, but soon splinters away as she simply nods, weaving harried fingers in her hair and fighting the temptation to turn the other way. She'll just hold her ground, she thinks.

Because the last thing she needs to feel right now is the sensation of running away.