plantfood | New Year's Eve

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sookie

New Year's Eve

Although he isn't prone to overindulging, Mathias is impressed with his own restraint when presented with so many drinks from home. It's been several hours now and he's on his third and last beer of the night, though he knows he could find any number of brands he's particularly fond of and suspects he could drink himself sick on all the things he misses from home. This third beer, however, is just enough and he's pleasantly buzzed, warm and flushed, feeling better than he has in some time.

The past few weeks haven't been hard. They've been good on the surface. He has friends -- good friends, people he's come to love -- and there's a beautiful woman who seems to like him. A woman he enjoys spending time with, someone Sam has taken to fairly well and Mathias knows that these are all good things and yet he can't stop and settle for even a moment.

He can't stop thinking about Veronica.

Things are good on the surface and he's always been good at making sure people only ever see the surface, but beneath that things aren't good. They aren't bad. But they aren't good and he finds himself feeling more and more guilty with every passing day.

The beer, though, has helped. For the moment, he's not thinking about much of anything except the music and the food and the beer. He's wearing a smile as he leans against the wall, his tie pulled loose and the top button of his shirt undone. The bottle is dangling absently from his fingers, though he hasn't forgotten that it's there, and when he sees Sookie, the smile only grows. He might feel guilty most days, but right now, it's just nice to see her.

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She's never been the best at restraint. More than anything else, Sookie Stackhouse knows that her personality is one that runs straight down its course, rarely stops for anything, for all that her principles are mired deep and pulled together from any number of experiences in her past. She's a girl who feels strongly, and all those emotions are hard to hold back by any stretch of the imagination, save for denial. There are times when she's able to lie to herself, chasing after an ideal, a dream long since gathered, but tonight, she's starting to feel all of that unravel. As much as she wants to believe that the situation is perfect, a turn for the fairy tale, with a man so sweet and understanding, responsible enough to care for a child not his own— there's something missing in the equation.

Strings holding her back.

When she spots Mathias, Sookie feels her heart pounding against her chest, and her cheeks suddenly feel warm, abuzz with energy, even as her hands fidget with the folds of her dress, fabric creased in places where she's sat too long just now. Speaking with Mitchell. Agreeing to give that relationship another try. Agreeing to close the door on the smile in front of her eyes. (Not for the first time, even in those few minutes, Sookie asks herself whether or not this is a mistake.)

There's no sugarcoating a choice like that, and so when Sookie finally weaves her way to a more intimate distance, she immediately takes a breath to steel herself. "So," she begins, resting her hand on her chest to calm her heart. "Remember when I told you that I had this ex some time ago, but that I was completely ready to move on? Even Biblically, obviously?"

She presses her lips together for a moment. "I might... have spoken too soon."

Through the haze the beer has created, it takes Mathias more than just a moment to absorb what she's said to him and though his smile fades slightly, there's no more reaction than that for several seconds. There are other things he takes in first; that she looks lovely in her dress, that she seems nervous, that there's still a party going on around them, but the voices sound distant and the bottle in his hand is momentarily forgotten. Only then, once all these things have been acknowledged, does he hear what she's saying and he tilts his head slightly, as if he's trying to hear her more clearly.

Finally, after a long delay, he says, "Oh."

It's too late and he's had too much to eat and drink for him to even be sure what he feels. It doesn't surprise him that there's someone else Sookie would choose over him. History counts for a lot and he knows, were Veronica to ever come back, he'd do everything in his power to be with her again. And that he thinks of Veronica at a time like this is telling, he supposes. He isn't angry. He's disappointed, yes, but also a little relieved.

"You spoke with him?" he asks.

It feels like a betrayal. God, it feels like a betrayal, all the more so when the smile vanishes from his face, when all of his actions seem delayed by the mere shock of it. And why wouldn't they be? The both of them have moved ahead as quickly as any normal relationship would, a few dates over the course of a couple of months, it's— it's nothing to be ashamed of, she tells herself, moving on. Mitchell might have been surprised, but she's an adult, and people move on from relationships. At the very least, she thought she could, she thought— she thought that she would, with Mathias, and it's only in retrospect that she realizes just how hasty it was, by her own standards. And how tangled all those emotions still are, at the end of the day.

"I did," she replies, barely above a murmur, trying her best to keep her voice strong, because that's the least that's deserved now, from her. To own up to the mistake, and to own it in full, everything that comes with it. Even if it means that a friendship might not even be salvaged from this. She presses her lips tightly together, feeling her chest lurch, arms wrapped around herself, as much as she can without straining herself. "I am... so, so sorry. You don't even know, I— I know, this makes me such an awful person, but I. I didn't think that I still felt for him as much as I apparently do."

The exhale feels suspiciously close to a sob in her throat.

"No," Mathias says when he hears her call herself an awful person. After Mexico, he's seen what an awful person truly is, how far some people can go, how far they can be pushed. (And it isn't fair at all for him to think of Jeff this way, not when he's not even here to defend himself and not when, at the heart of it, Mathias was just as cruel.) What Sookie is doing is far from awful. It's human and he is disappointed, but she isn't being awful.

Honesty can hurt, but he appreciates it far more than being let down easy. More than lies told to keep him from hurting too much.

"It doesn't make you a bad person," he says slowly and he knows he sounds a little distant, but he's still trying to work out his own feelings about what's happening. All that he can think of, though, is how much he misses Veronica. Finally, he lifts his head and meets Sookie's gaze, giving her a small, faint smile. "It is not awful." Loving someone never really is, he thinks, and if Sookie can be happy with her ex, then that's all he can really hope for.

Even though it's a relief to see that he isn't angry, and that if anything, his reaction is a muted one, Sookie still feels every other emotion under the sky mixed up in one, save for happiness, which seems to elude her just now. What she needs now, more than anything else, may very well be reassurance. But that seems like a cruel thing to get from someone she's just let down in such a way. It seems irresponsible, scrambling for comfort that she doesn't feel deserving of at the moment, and Sookie sighs through her teeth as she tries her best to figure out what she's supposed to do now in return for that smile.

"I'm not running straight back to him," Sookie says, her voice careful, and the words slow. It's hard, she thinks, to express this in the way that she wants, not making excuses for herself, but also not wanting Mathias to get the wrong idea, the notion that he meant so little to her that he was easy to throw aside in the moment. That isn't it. (Not in the slightest.) "We broke up for a reason, and it's a big reason that I guess I don't need to go into, but... I was with him longer than I've ever been with anyone else. And when you find out that there's a chance again, I— I don't know if it'll work out. No matter what, things aren't gonna be perfect right away. But if I didn't tell you now, it'd all feel like a lie, and that is the last thing that I wanna do to anyone. Especially someone like you. I hope that makes. I don't know, some sense. All this aside, I just don't want this to be something that stops us from knowing each other and enjoying each other's company, but I know that's asking for a lot."

"You don't need to explain," he says, although she already has and, in some way, it does make it all a little easier. That it's someone she's been with already, someone she loves, that makes it easier, too. It isn't that he's been thrown aside for someone else, someone she's met since their first night together and somehow that seems to make it less difficult to accept. He can't fault her, not knowing he would do the same sort of thing if there was any chance that he could be with Veronica again.

That isn't something he's sure he can say, though. Not without sounding like he's been considering it, which he has, and he isn't sure he wants to complicate things further by bringing that into the equation. It's enough, he thinks, that he understands what she's feeling.

"It... I may need a few days to... process," he says and his smile returns for just a moment before it disappears again. He's imagining talking to Neil about this, so soon after their last conversation, which had been about Sookie. "But I don't see why it should change the fact that I do like you. I like being around you and I like how you were with Sam. I don't make many friends and I don't often make them so easily." It's a mouthful for him, more than he usually says, but he isn't done. "I think what I mean is that... we can do that. I wouldn't want to write you out of my life over... this."

"Oh, I think I'm being completely selfish in explaining," Sookie admits with a wince, sighing softly through her lips, fingers weaving momentarily through her hair before she remembers that she's put it up today, intricately whorled, trying all she can to make herself more appropriate to the period. Efforts that she wouldn't have gone to, could she have foreseen all of this. There's a second's pause before she elaborates. "Because it's hard, I— I really had my heart set on moving on, and when I met you, it seemed like everything was coming perfectly together. You're so sweet, I thought we got along great, I was getting all excited again in a way that I hadn't since, since my ex."

She hopes, suddenly, that it doesn't feel like she's just trying to bend backwards in letting him down easily, hopes that all her words don't come across as insincere or trying too hard. Sookie never wanted to be a flake like this. Never wanted to start anything while feeling so unsure. But she's done that here, and the guilt and frustration alike are hard to swallow.

"But yeah, sorry. I shouldn't." She cuts herself off, pressing her fingers to her lips and shaking her head, heart beating too hard in the moment, and the tears threaten all over again. "I do want to be friends. And if that takes a while, I more than understand, I just don't want... to miss out on what I think could still be a great friendship."

Briefly, against his better judgment, Mathias reaches up with his free hand and catches Sookie's fingers near her mouth. He holds her hand for just a moment, not tightly, just a brush of his fingers against hers and then his hand drops again to hang by his side. "Please don't feel guilty," he says to her, because he knows she must, he can see it in the gestures she's making, in the expression she's wearing. He doesn't want her to feel guilty and he doesn't want her to cry.

"I understand," he says, though he still wonders if he should mention it at all. Bringing people into this who are no longer on the island seems unfair, as if he's using Veronica as a shield, but that isn't the case. (Or if it is, he's far from ready to acknowledge it.) "Perhaps better than you might think. I..." This is where things always become difficult, because he's better at listening than he is at speaking and it's times like this he wishes more people on the island spoke German. Communicating like this in English is harder still.

"I was not looking to meet anyone because I knew I wasn't ready to move on," he explains slowly. "But when we met, I thought... like you, I was excited for the first time in a very long time. I'm afraid... it would not have been fair in the long run. To either of us."

The sudden grasp of a hand catches her breath, before Sookie finds herself relaxing again, exhaling softly through her lips. It's not quite the same as relief, although she feels the fluttering in her stomach change into something harder, an ache, nerves ironed and calmed. If nothing else, hearing that Mathias understands— she wonders if it's Vee who prompts the thought, thinks about the warnings Neil's made— relaxes her into a slight curve of her lips and a nod.

"I hope you aren't just saying that," her doubt speaks up again, a slight furrow in her brow still holding out in spite of everything else. But she nods quickly after, because knowing Mathias has to come with a degree of trust a well, forged just by glancing his way. "I guess it was just bad timing for the both of us, huh?" Cheeks still bright with embarrassment, Sookie rests her hand under her chin, gaze breaking away in thought.

"I'm so sorry for breaking this to you on New Year's Eve. I thought it'd be better not to wait for something like this."

When she says that, Mathias glances around, almost as if he's forgotten the party. But the smoked beer is still in his other hand, dangling from between his fingers and there are people moving around them and even though there's still time before the count down, he can see people beginning to pair off, finding the person they'll want to kiss when midnight comes around. The night she tells him on doesn't matter. He expects the conversation would have gone the same no matter when they had it.

"It's fine," he assures her. It isn't fine, exactly, but he doesn't think the timing will make much of a difference. And he understands her desire to have something like this out in the open as soon as possible. It's easy to feel like you're lying to a person even when you're only waiting for the right moment.

"I mean, I understand," he continues. "It's sometimes better not to wait." And he's glad he's told her now, too, that hopefully it will prevent her from feeling too guilty. That isn't what he wants at all.

She nods, trying her best to trust him. 'Fine' is, of course, a word that can be used in so many contexts, for any of a wide range of feelings, but whatever amount of disappointment or upset that he may feel about her right now, he seems to be calm. Accepting. And that, more than anything else, tells her that maybe this is the right choice after all, for as little experience as she's had in this respect, she remembers the way that Bill reacted whenever they were on the cusp of ending it. Not to mention the touch of desperation in Mitchell's voice, too, before they started rolling down in freefall. She isn't in love with Mathias, and he isn't in love with her.

They'll get past this. Probably intact, too.

"I just feel like I'd be lying if I waited, I guess. If nothing else, I just had to tell you that I'm having doubts, and. I don't know. You're way, way too good of a guy to just string along," she breathes, managing a slight smile.

At that, he manages a smile, because he doesn't necessarily think of himself as a good guy. It isn't that he feels he's a bad guy either -- although sometimes the reminders do creep back in, as hard as he tries to fight them -- just that he's a man, like most others, capable of both good and bad. It's nice, though, to think that someone else, someone whose opinion he's come to care about think that he's a good person.

In part, he knows, it's because he hasn't told her about what happened in Mexico. He doesn't know if anyone will think he's a good person after they hear that story.

"I understand," he promises her, because he really does. It isn't easy and it doesn't make him feel good, but he does understand. "You love him." And that, in the end, is what's most important. Even with what little experience he's had with love, he knows that.

It's those words of his that finally seem to calm the hammering of her heart. Words that she hasn't even wanted to acknowledge herself, emotions that would be so much easier to simply bury deep down, where they never see the light of day. Loving might be one of the most exhilarating actions a person's capable of, but it's also the one that stands the greatest chance of hurt as well. Life would simpler without it; Sookie has no doubt of that. But so long as someone sees it, someone who isn't her, that makes it easier. Somehow. Maybe, she thinks, it has everything to do with the fact that in front of her is a man who seems so capable of love, who no doubt reveres it in his way. And he knows.

It's lingering in her heart, and that isn't easy to scrub away.

"I do," she nods, pressing her lips firmly together. "I really, really do. He... he did some awful things in his past. Less to me, more to people he didn't really even know. I couldn't tell you why, but he told me that was the real him. I believed it long enough to think that maybe I didn't really love him, or that the man I loved was just a lie, but."

She shakes her head. "That's not true. He's the exact same man that I fell for, and he's back so sudden that's just strange. I don't know if anything will work out. But."

"But you have to try," Mathias finishes for her. It may not be what she was going to say, but it's what he thinks. In the same situation or one very similar, he knows he would do the same. Were Veronica to come back to the island there's no guarantee that they would work again, but he would try. He'd have to try. To give up on something without giving it a fair shot is not something he's ever been able to do and he feels the same is true of Sookie.

If nothing else, it's true of this situation, this person.

"Do not misunderstand, I'm... disappointed," he says, because he doesn't want her to think that this meant nothing to him. That it's been so casual a connection that he has no problem with her ending it. Mathias isn't one for casual encounters, even the one on the island that could be dubbed as such was with a friend he's still very close to. "Disappointed, but I also get it."

She nods, the huff of air which escapes her sounding almost like a laugh, hopeless as she nods. With all that Neil's explained to her, and given just how extraordinary Sookie knows that Veronica was, it's impossible not to believe that Mathias might be better able to understand her than most of her friends. There are so many she's afraid of facing now, after weeks of complaining about how easily certain people told lies, or how hard it was to pin down the truth in people who'd lived far longer than they were ever meant to. Though she's never deliberately done so, Sookie knows she's painted Mitchell in a negative light to many close to her heart. And that she meant every word of it at the time.

Were she in their shoes, she'd berate herself for the decision as well.

"Yeah," she nods nonetheless. In this case, it doesn't particularly matter how other people think, Sookie reminds herself, any more than their judgments mattered when she'd first decided to date Bill. This is a matter between herself and Mathias. Herself and Mitchell. "I've gotta try. And believe me, there's a part of me so disappointed too, that I don't get to see so much more of the amazing man I've gotten to know these past few months. But I'm... glad you understand. And I'm sorry, again. It's not you at all. Just me."

On an impulse, for no other reason than selfish ones -- not to reassure her, really, he recognizes that much about himself -- Mathias leans forward. His hand comes up to briefly catch Sookie's chin, fingers resting on her smooth skin, and he presses a kiss to her cheek. It's brief, just barely a moment at all, but it does worlds to make him feel better, to calm the heavy beating of his heart. Touch has always been able to do that for him, to ground him in the moment, in the person he's connected with.

"Don't apologize anymore," he says gently, then drops his hand to his side again. Whatever he says to her, he's almost certain she'll continue to worry and he appreciates that, but he also knows he can't stop it. For now, whatever happens, they'll have to go their own ways and deal with what's ahead. More than that, he doesn't want her to apologize for doing what must be done.

He thinks he might try to find Neil. Or Danny. They'll know what he should do now. He smiles at Sookie and takes a step away. "It'll just take some time," he promises. "We'll speak again soon, I think." And when they do, he hopes, things will feel different. Better. Because he means what he's said. He doesn't want this to be the end of a friendship.

Her words suddenly cut off with an interrupted breath when she sees that shadow spreading, and feels a brush of lips against her cheeks. That silences her as well as anything can, breath stolen from her and leaving only that same burning by her eyes, the one that comes out of that desperate, futile, and almost childish desire for everything to work out perfectly, for everyone to get their due, and for love to sustain in places where life drives cracks. Don't apologize, he says, and immediately there's another on her lips, though she bites it back, and only with people like them, she feels, can so much be built in so short of a time.

"Okay," she says, because there's nothing else to offer. No apologies allowed, and no promises feasible. Her gaze meets his, but soon splinters away as she simply nods, weaving harried fingers in her hair and fighting the temptation to turn the other way. She'll just hold her ground, she thinks.

Because the last thing she needs to feel right now is the sensation of running away.

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New Year's Eve

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