plantfood | [For Veronica]

[For Veronica]

The truth is, Mathias has been thinking about it for awhile now, even if he's never mentioned it to Veronica. Or anyone, for that matter. After losing so many people -- the latest being Henry, which he can't even bring himself to think about -- he isn't exactly open with his plans for the future with anyone. He knows this isn't healthy, but Henry's no longer here to tell him what to do and how to fix it, so he continues to keep things to himself and plays things close to the chest until he figures out exactly how he's going to go about doing them.

A part of him wonders if he shouldn't ask Veronica's father for permission first, but he isn't asking her to marry him, so he decides that's maybe a step too far. If that day comes, if they're both ever really prepared for something like that, then he'll go to Keith, he knows, but not for this.

At the moment, he's hunched over the kitchen table, reading a book on building, trying to figure out if his home needs an expansion before he asks Veronica to move in with him. Sam would be coming with her, of course, and the dogs, and he's realizing now that although he has quite a bit of room, it might not be enough. And this is something he needs to plan for. This is something he needs to go over and over until he has all the details ironed out and he can feel confident in asking her to move into his place.

Ironing out the details never got you anywhere before.

He doesn't often hear his brother's voice, but when he does, it's always involving something like this. Henrich would have acted impulsively where Mathias hesitates and he grins faintly to himself, wondering just how many girlfriends Henrich would have gone through already, had he been on the island as well.

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It's something he's avoided talking about, if only because he doesn't want her to think he's pressing her. That is the last thing he wants, but Veronica is the one who's brought it up now, even if he's the one who has started the entire conversation with his suggestion that they move in together.

"A room for us," Mathias agrees, looking at her in return. "But Veronica, I still stand by what has been said before. I can wait for you." He doesn't understand, and probably never will, that sometimes pressing a person isn't the end of the world.

Veronica hesitates, an answer on her tongue held back when she remembers where they are. It's not something she wants to talk seriously about in public, though the kitchen is, at least, not as crowded as it could be. "You are amazing," she says. "I don't know how you got to be this amazing. Can we... can we talk about this somewhere more private? It's just, you know. The kitchen." His willingness to wait, though, only makes her feel more sure she doesn't want to. He's been so patient with her, so ready to bend to what she needs; she'd be crazy, she thinks, not to recognize how rare that is and how important.

He laughs, the nods, beginning to collect his books and information on building. "Of course," he says, tucking the books under one arm, then rising and offering Veronica his hand. He's never been called amazing before, not that he can remember and certainly not by a woman, and it makes him feel warm. Although he doesn't flush, he can still feel heat creeping up his neck and it's not unpleasant, not by far. It's just not particularly familiar.

"Where would you like to go?" he asks.

It's only when he asks that Veronica realizes she doesn't know. She hadn't thought beyond just not talking about this here. Taking his hand, she gets to her feet, shaking her head. "Outside?" she suggests. "Somewhere quiet? Just, you know, somewhere... less public." Before she can pick a destination, she heads for the door. They'll figure it out as they go.

"We are depriving dedicated eavesdroppers to a particularly interesting conversation," Mathias warns with a smile, although he doesn't think anyone was really listening in. Still, he understands the desire for somewhere more private and more quiet, and so he lets Veronica lead him out of the Compound and into the sunshine.

"Then they should learn to have better conversations themselves," Veronica says, heading for the orchard. It's usually quiet there, at least, except for the occasional gardener, who are easier to avoid than a roomful of people. She glances at him once they're safe, walking in the shade of the trees. "You don't have to. Wait. I mean, for one thing, if we — if we're going to share a house, a bed? It's kind of ridiculous. This isn't a Jane Austen novel. And for another, I... I don't think I want to wait."

Mathias has been so immersed in this idea that he has to wait and let Veronica take the first step, that he flounders for a moment, unsure of what to do now that she's actually doing it. It certainly isn't that he doesn't want to, but he's surprised and he turns as they walk, looking down at her for a moment.

"Are you certain?" he asks, which is a stupid question. He's never pressured her, never given her any reason to force herself to do something she doesn't want to do, but he still wants to be sure. He needs to be sure, if only for himself.

Veronica hesitates for only a second before the fact she's supposed to respond catches up with her, and she nods quickly, coloring a little. "I... yeah," she says. "Yeah. I mean, we should, you know, probably wait until we're inside a house or something, but uh... yes." Her stomach's in knots when she says it, but she's been over this in her head enough times to know that isn't to do with him. It's just been a long, long time since she last slept with anyone and, in spite of her best efforts, she can't help being nervous about getting back to it, but that doesn't make her less sure about him.

He laughs at that and nods his agreement, rubbing one hand over his beard thoughtfully. Although he isn't the kind of person to blush at all, he can feel his cheeks growing warm now as he thinks about it. "You are probably right about that," he agrees, fighting against the smile that's pulling up the corners of his mouth and finding that he's completely unable.

He turns, then, pausing in the orchard and pulls Veronica to him, leaning down to press a kiss to her mouth. This isn't the time -- or the place, he knows -- but he kisses her anyway, because they're nearly alone and he wants to, more than anything.

Veronica all but laughs against his lips, leaning into it. Now she's gone and actually said something, it's a relief, really, and she doesn't care if they're in a relatively public space or not. "I trust you," she says, eyes still closed. In a way, though it's been true for quite a long time, it's more important than whether or not she loves him, even harder to come by. Most of the people she's thought she could trust have disappointed her in the end, but she genuinely doesn't think he'll be one of them.

That warms him, too, and with his eyes closed, he smiles against her mouth. Anywhere else in the world, they would look like any other normal couple with all the highs and lows of any other normal relationship and he's glad for that. Even with all the things that aren't normal about where they live, he's glad they have this.

"I am happy," he says in return. Pulling back, he brushes her hair back, letting it slide through his fingers and he says, "I just hope your father trusts me as well, should we decide that living together is a good idea."

"I don't think you have to worry about him," Veronica says. Compared to the other boys she's dated — boys who dealt drugs, boys suspected of murder, boys whose lives were routinely more dangerous even than her own had once been — he's harmless. "He just wants me to be happy. And I am. And he likes you." He doesn't disapprove, at least, which is frequently close enough.

Mathias isn't sure he'd go quite that far, but he's still glad to hear Veronica say it and he smiles again, still stroking his fingers through her hair. "Sometimes," he starts, wondering if he's really going to say this and just how embarrassed he'll be at the end, "When I'm thinking about you and I or wondering how to start a conversation, I imagine what my brother would have done. Then I do things the way I would do them anyway and I'm glad I have."

If he had done things Henrich's way, he suspects he would have ruined this a very long time ago.

"I'm glad you have, too," Veronica says with a laugh. She's still sorry she doesn't know Henrich, sorry she'll probably never meet him or any of the rest of Mathias' family, daunting as the idea of doing so may be, but it's one thing to imagine his advice, another to take it. "I'm dating you, not your brother."

"That never would have stopped him from trying to give advice. To the both of us," Mathias says with a small grin. "He was very much a meddler." It's not something he ever imagined he'd miss, but he does now. Just a little bit. Still, he thinks he's done relatively well on his own and he's glad that he and Veronica have made it this far, muddling through together.

"He would have driven you crazy," he says. "But he would have liked you."

Veronica closes her eyes and smiles. It's only that easy, she thinks, when they're making assumptions for each other, when there's no one else to say how they do or don't feel (her mother would have liked him, but that opinion doesn't matter anymore). That doesn't mean she doesn't appreciate hearing it. "I hope so," she says. "That he would have liked me. I don't know about driving me crazy, although that would probably be fair." She has a tendency to do the same to others herself.

"He drives everyone crazy," Mathias says, not thinking to correct himself and use the past tense. Either way, it doesn't matter much now, whether Henrich drove people crazy or not. He's gone and Mathias misses him, but he has to stop dwelling in order to keep going and to move on.

"Not in the good way," he adds with a smile, then shrugs. "But it doesn't matter now."

"You know you can always talk to me about him," Veronica offers. She's not planning to push for it, but it bears repeating. That part of his life might be over, but that doesn't mean there aren't parts of it worth remembering. Just because she chooses not to talk about her own past all that much doesn't mean she's against hearing about his. "About any of it."

For a moment his face loses all expression and he thinks of how he's lost Henry now, the only person on the island whose job it was to actually listen to what Mathias was saying. He knows he could find a different doctor, but he doesn't trust any of them like he trusted Henry and, more than anything, he doesn't want to start over with someone new.

He also doesn't want to push his problems with his brother's death and Mexico onto anyone he loves.

"I know," he says after a moment, smiling faintly again. "Sometimes it is just... zu viel... too much."

Veronica shakes her head. "Then you let me help you with it," she says. "Maybe it won't be too much for two." It doesn't work like that and it does. There are times no one can do anything, she knows that; she's had too many of those times not to know. There are times, though, when just being heard helps. She's not always very good at it, but she can try.

He smiles slightly at that and nods. "I will try," he promises, because that really is the best he can do. "I have never been very good at talking about myself, even when it's necessary. When I started seeing Henry, trying to deal with everything that happened in Mexico, I could barely get beyond talking about the actual events."

And while they matter, they aren't what's at the root of his guilt.

"But I will try," he says again.

Although Veronica's never had much taste for psychiatry herself, so long as Henry was helping, she had to approve of the process. Now she wishes he'd stayed. If nothing else, he knew better than she does what to say. "You don't have to," she says. "If you don't want to. I just... want you to know you can. I might not know what to say or do, but... I'll always listen." It's the best she can promise, really, with how bad she is at talking about things herself.

"I know," Mathias says, and he does. There aren't many people he trusts with any sort of information, let alone very personal information such as how much he misses his brother and how guilty he still feels about all their deaths. He knows, though, that he if ever needs to, he can tell Veronica. He isn't much of a talker, but he doesn't ever mind telling her anything.

"It means very much," he adds. "The only other person I ever would have told everything to was Henrich."

There isn't anyone to whom Veronica tells everything, but that's her nature and nothing to do with him. If she were to talk, it would probably be to him anyway, which is what she reminds herself of now. She's guarded, it's no secret from either of them, but that has nothing to do with trusting him. "And that means a lot to me," she says, kissing him again. "I mean, if we do this, if... we really move in together, that's... important. That we be honest and that we're sure."

"I have never been more sure of anything," he says honestly. Or anyone. There has been times when he's thought he was sure, but it's easy to look back now and see that he was wrong, especially with what he and Veronica have here. It's different than the other he thought he might have been right with, and that's what makes him so sure of this.

[For Veronica]

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